so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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