Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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