i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You made out with two different species that night
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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