If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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