Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
