I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
