This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
