I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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