Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
