then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
