I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
