My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
