Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
