I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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