Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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