I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
