I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
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Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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