Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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