i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
