New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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