I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
