Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
