Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
