why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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