shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
