My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
