omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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