Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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