we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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