You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
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Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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