It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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