1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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