My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Boobs speak an international language.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
