He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
