My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
