everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
