in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
