Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
