last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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