So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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