when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm always down for nudity.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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