I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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