I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize