my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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