So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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