no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
