How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
