i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We named our party play list daddy issues
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
