he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
