Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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