im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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