I haven't been this sober since birth.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
