I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
