with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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