Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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