my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
