Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
