why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
