The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
