he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
