just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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