I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
