She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
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now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
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My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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