The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
